Northerners horrified as black pudding declared good for you

author avatar by 8 years ago

Northerners are to cease eating black pudding after it was named a healthy superfood, they have announced.

Black pudding, which has been a staple of northern breakfasts for some time, has been declared ‘healthy’ by experts, despite consisting largely of congealed pigs blood with lumps of hard fat in it.

This new healthy classification has led to northerners in their thousands shunning the foodstuff, and it is expected that black pudding will disappear entirely from shops across the north, except in enclaves of softness like Hebdon Bridge and Knaresborough.

Describing the change in classification as a ‘slippery slope’, people north of Birmingham have been warned that black pudding now falls in the same food group as quinoa and kale, and therefore carries the same risks.

“Before this you could have a couple of thick slices of black pudding on your breakfast and nobody would say a word,” said brickie Daz Beasley from Goldthorpe.

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“But now there’s a significant danger my mates will think I’m some kind of southern jessie on a health kick.

“I’ve already got a beard, tattoos and a vest, and I can’t risk anyone thinking I’m a hipster or a bear.”

Reacting from the shock of healthy black pudding, northerners have confirmed the only way things could get worse now is if making home-brew beer were to become a fashionable artisan hobby.