Security guard wearing vest during entire Christmas rota, just in case

author avatar by 8 years ago

NewsThump security Guard Simon Williams has come to work in his vest today, ‘just in case’.

Williams, who has been earning triple time for working during the Christmas holidays, is hoping that a gang of variously accented European terrorists take over the building in search of a valuable collection of hilarious Internet witticisms.

A third-floor unit on an industrial estate just outside Altrincham is prime terrorist-fodder, he hopes.

Ideally there will be a suave leader type, a swarthy Italian with a short temper, and an apparently unkillable one with long hair who never speaks but simply growls.

He asked us to include his wish for an attractive female hostage for him to bravely rescue, should any of our readers want to pop round.

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“If they come for us, I’m ready,” he told us on Christmas Eve before we buggered off to the pub leaving him on his own.

“I’ve got everything prepared. I’ve tied a computer to a chair next to the lift shaft ready for several pounds of C4, and I’m wearing extra-thick soled shoes in case anyone decides to shoot out the glass partition walls in the executive suite.”

“Yippee-ki-Yay, motherfuckers,” he signed off, before going off on patrol with his torch and a footlong meatball double cheese from Subway.

When asked what he’d like for Christmas, Simon told us he’d like us to stop running all those stories about gun control, as they ‘make him feel sad in his tummy’.