Vatican investment portfolio outperforms market in second Mother Teresa miracle

author avatar by 8 years ago

Mother Teresa took another step towards sainthood today after Vatican officials declared the improved performance of their $1.6bn investment portfolio a divine miracle from Theresa herself.

With record returns from their stocks in banking, insurance, chemicals, steel, construction, and real estate, Vatican accountants have laid the improved financial results squarely at a nun who has been dead for nearly twenty years.

A spokesperson told us, “Those who are granted sainthood move in mysterious ways, and what could be more mysterious than manipulating prevailing market conditions so that the Vatican can make a few more quid on top of the fifteen billion we’re already worth?

“There is no other explanation for us making so much money, obviously.”

Investment professionals have claimed the Vatican have an unfair advantage if they are getting market assistance from beyond the grave.

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Stockbroker Simon Williams told us, “Manipulating the market is a very serious offence, and if Mother Teresa is responsible, then this is worse than the Libor scandal.

“I hope the authorities are taking note, and that there will be criminal charges forthcoming.

“That said, if the systemic child abuse in the Church is anything to go by, I could be waiting a while.”