This year’s family Christmas gathering is going to be the best ever; not at all like last year’s fiasco, insists a sweetly naive woman.
Anne T Climax of Nottingham explained why she has high hopes for this year’s festivities: “OK, so every other family occasion has ended with tears, tantrums and plates being thrown at walls, but this year I’ve worked really hard to make everything perfect, so I’m sure everyone will behave themselves.
“I’ve got the really posh crackers, they’ll actually crack when pulled. They’re also stuffed with slightly more high quality crap than the cheapo ones, which should put everyone in a festive mood.
“I’ve also been baking since November, so if there are any signs of an argument brewing, I’ll just bring out a fresh batch of minced pies or something. People can’t argue if they’re eating.”
Ms Climax’s relatives all insist that they will not personally be the source of any conflict this year.
Niece Em T Promise says, “I don’t plan on starting anything. As long as nobody says anything racist, sexist or offensive in any way, I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
Great aunt Rita Dambook also harbours good intentions: “I am looking forward to lively discussions with my family about how to stop the gays from causing global warming and how to keep out benefit-grabbing terrorist immigrants.
“I don’t plan to get upset at all, I just hope everyone else is capable of holding a civil conversation.”
Ms Climax remains optimistic: “If all else fails, I’ve got Monopoly and Pictionary.
“Those kinds of board games are well known for bringing everyone together in harmony and distracting them from any potential conflict.
“I can just see it now, all of us gathered around, smiling and hugging as we trade properties and friendly conversation.
“It’s going to be magical,” concluded Ms Climax, while humming distantly and putting a tray of butter cookies in the oven.