Hardware store Robert Dyas has today been accused of using their Christmas video to discriminate against asexuals and pansexuals.
After the video showed that the store is a bubbling cauldron of barely concealed sexual activity, asexuals said they no longer felt welcome by the retailer.
Asexual Simon Williams told us, “I get it, you’ve got heterosexuals, homosexuals and bisexuals – but where are the asexuals?
“I don’t want to walk into a Robert Dyas and the first thing the staff wonder is which one of them I want to have sex with.
“Because it’s none of them. It’s just not my cup of tea.”
A Robert Dyas spokesperson explained, “We love sex of all flavours, it’s just who we are as a business. We even added it to our mission statement.
“It now says ‘We give you innovative products that represent great value for money, so you can get back to all the fucking‘.
“We also spent a lot of time in the interview process making sure our employees are comfortable talking about their sexuality and sex in general.
“Like we often say in the hardware business – everything’s a dildo; if you’re brave enough.
“So we apologise unreservedly to pansexuals everywhere. They are most welcome at Robert Dyas, I assure you.”
“But not that asexual freak, he can sod off.”