Britain facing wave of lardarse Jihadists

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A recent study has revealed that Britain faces a growing threat from terrorists who have let themselves go.

Experts are pointing to an obesity time-bomb and believe that home-grown terrorists are likely to be significantly larger than their ISIS counterparts.

Early analysis of figures suggests there is a greater risk than ever of having your head blown off by someone with a really fat arse.

MI5 now believes that ISIS members are piling on the pounds in an effort to blend in with the one-in-three Britons who weigh more than a double-decker bus.

The organisation claims a recent attack on Garboldisham was foiled when a 200lb, sweaty jihadist collapsed with a heart attack before he was able to detonate his bomb.

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Analysis of so-called “chatter” indicates that the terror group are abandoning traditional low-fat spreads in favour of calorie-packed jars of Nutella.

MI5 chief Simon Williams said, “One conversation, which was packed with the usual anti-Western rhetoric, surprised us with a number of references to eating out at Frankie & Bennies.

“These extremists may hate our way of life, but they are totally in love with our Gastro pubs.

“We know exactly what is these barbarians stand for, but they don’t stand for long.”

Such is the terrorists’ increasing obsession with food, experts have issued advice to distract potential gunmen by pointing to an M&S food advert and saying “Mmm, yummy”.

Meanwhile, Williams advises common sense for fatties caught up in the next inevitable atrocity, adding, “If you are fat and find yourself dining out at a top-notch restaurant over Christmas, sit near a window that you are able to squeeze out of.”