‘Solstice? Humbug!’ says Wiccan Ebenezer Scrooge

author avatar by 8 years ago

Tight-fisted 5th century entrepreneur Bran Scroogebeard has declared the coming Winter Solstice to be ‘Humbug.’

Scroogebeard, who runs a hacksilver trading hut on Anglesey, is known for refusing to get into the spirit of Solstice and declines to hang the limed head of Marley Hairybreeks over his door to mark the season, never mind the traditional holly, ivy and mistletoe.

Not even news that celebrity general Ambrosius Arturius will be lighting the festive wickerman has moved him to join in.

Neighbours find Scroogebeard’s attitude confusing and wonder why he can’t get off his tits on mead and fly agaric, feast on preserved meats and then fall asleep during Boudicca’s speech like everyone else, seeing as how nobody over 40 tends to survive the winter anyway.

“It’s all tommyrot and poppycock,” he told us.

“Rosy-cheeked urchins with their jolly goat-sacrificing down at the stone circle. Pah!

“Why aren’t they out working? I was at that age.

“The poor? Are there no altars? Are there no Phoenician slave-galleys?”

Scroogebeard is also reported to have lodged a complaint with the local tribal Witan over the number of torches his neighbour has decorating his roundhouse, saying they are keeping him awake at night.

In light of his comments it is expected that Scroogebeard will be visited by three druids, and then never seen or heard from again.