Just 12 more mass shootings ’til Christmas, America told

author avatar by 8 years ago

The USA is getting excited today as there are just 12 mass shootings until Christmas.

Santa Claus is already finalising his lists of naughty and nice, confident that he won’t have to cross more than a few hundred names off them between now and Christmas Eve.

Shoppers have begun to stock up on presents for their nearest and dearest, almost certain of them being more than 95% likely to live to open them.

Meanwhile gun vendors up and down the proud land of America are offering festive deals on extended magazines and armour-piercing bullets, keen to add a little more bloodshed and despair to the season of goodwill to all men who aren’t riddled with lead.

“I think that this is my favourite time of year,” gun salesman Billy-Simon Williams told us.

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“The brisk, excitable massacres of Spring are gone, the long, balmy hostage sieges of summer have passed, and the crisp crackle of Autumnal gunfire from the schoolyard is just a memory.”

“Now it’s just exciting, waking up in the morning wondering if some more bodies will have magically appeared, as if some cadaver-related Jack Frost has waved his magic wand over the land, sprinkling it with the dead.”

“It’s the season of goodwill to all men who survive the next couple of weeks. Merry Christmas!”