Police are appealing for witnesses after the Daily Mail reported the latest in a spree of terrorist incidents, including the horrific abuse of an animal owned by the Queen.
A boy, aged 9, shouted an obscenity in the face of a swan and was immediately branded a terrorist by the Daily Mail due to being Muslim and brown while displaying mentally unstable behaviour.
“It’s made our job a shitload easier,” admitted police officer Simon Williams.
“In the past, if an ethnic type committed a crime, we’d usually have to do some actual investigating – having roughed the bastard up a bit first, obviously. Some rules never die.
“Now we just have a big rubber stamp that says ‘TERRORISM’; it’s brilliant.
“We have a look at the mugshot, confirm he’s Asian, get out the stamp, and then piss off for lunch.
“It’s a similar process to our friends in the traffic department when they find out the driver was female; but keep that one under your hat, there’s a good chap.
“As for this boy and the swan, we’re definitely counting it as a terrorist incident. Partly because of what he looks like but also because it’s 2 for 1 on cocktails at the pub this afternoon and we’d rather crack off early.”