America celebrates 24 hours without a mass shooting

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There were jubilant scenes last night as America managed to go a full 24 hours without some gun-happy social inadequate mowing down his neighbours because his corn flakes got a bit soggy.

“It is a truly great day for America,” said NRA President Wayne LaPierre as he fondled the shaft of his lovely big assault rifle.

“The fact that we’ve managed to go so long without a mass shooting is clear proof that gun ownership makes us all safer and that the President’s anti-gun bias is communist, homosexual and Muslim.”

Americans have spoken of their joy at being able to have a bath or do the shopping without the fear of a man with a microscopic penis massacring them because he stubbed his toe.

“It’s a goddamn hell of a thing,” said red-blooded American Simon-bob Williams.

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“I took me my pick-up to the mall to cruise chicks and chew bubblegum and I didn’t need to put on my body-armour once.”

“God bless America.”

Sadly, the celebrations seem to have ended on a sour note as, in Arkansas a small man shot four colleagues after the party they were having to celebrate 24 hours without a mass shooting ran out of crisps, or ‘chips’.

There will now be a national celebration if the US makes it 12 hours without a mass shooting.