President Obama is to set aside Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons to offer the American public reassuring words about the latest mass shooting.
With mass shootings now averaging more than one a day in 2015, the president’s itinerary moving forward will be dominated by speaking solemnly about the latest incident of American lives being lost to legally held firearms.
“The hardest part is trying to say something different to what I said a couple of days ago,” explained the President in a televised interview about the latest mass shooting.
“It’s important that your commander-in-chief is seen to address the fears of the nation, but, you know, I don’t really have anything new to say about how utterly and tragically ridiculous this all is.
“I want to ban these weapons just so I can do something other than repeatedly come on television and talk about how we should ban these weapons.
“Even if we could go a few weeks without a mass shooting, maybe I could get something done on healthcare?”
NRA spokesperson Wayne Lapierre said that President Obama wouldn’t have to appear on television every morning, noon and night to talk about mass shootings, if only there were more guns out there.
He concluded, “There is a dangerous lack of guns in American society, just look at all the mass shootings that clearly prove my point.”