After ‘Black Friday’ and ‘Cyber Monday’, the nation is now faced with ‘Do some work or you’re fired Tuesday’.
Following a manic 48 hours spent scouring the Internet at work for bargains of any kind whatsoever, ‘Do some work or you’re fired Tuesday’ is expected to become a regular feature of our calendars with managers eagerly embracing the new idea.
Retailers make substantial profits from their sales days, and other companies are looking to get in on the act by incentivising staff to put their efforts into their own employers rather than other people’s.
“It’s a great way for the company to boost productivity and increase revenue,” said boss Simon Williams glaring at his many drones sitting obediently at their terminals.
“What we do is announce that staffing will be 50% off or 100% off unless they pull their fingers out and do some fucking work, rather than surfing Amazon all day in the hope of picking up a cheap TV.
“It’s really gone well for us. Employee productivity rates are way up and absenteeism for unexplained little niggles and bugs during the sales is way down. I think it’s a great innovation and I hope we get to celebrate like this every year.”
Managers intend to enforce the new rule by ordering the staff in the company mailroom to hold all Amazon packages to ransom until all current projects are complete.
Jeremy Corbyn has come out against “Do some work or you’re fired Tuesday”, describing it as a ruthless capitalist attack on worker’s rights.