I’m having Turkey for Christmas, says Putin

author avatar by 7 years ago

Russian Premier Vladimir Putin has issued a worryingly ambiguous statement that he’ll be having Turkey for Christmas.

Reporters were left asking precisely what he meant as Putin went into great detail about how he would wring it’s neck and carve the Turkey into tiny, tiny pieces in time for Christmas Day.

He will then proceed to devour the Turkey over the following few days, he said, before picking over the bones and leftovers over the subsequent week.

“It’s the big, strutting Turkey which waddles around pecking at others in the coop and thinking it rules the roost, but is in fact ripe for plucking,” said Putin, ominously.

“As my mother once told me; if you wish to pluck the bird, it is easier if you first cut off the head.

“I’m really looking forward to filleting it as part of my festive celebrations.”

Putin went on to add further uncertainty when he said that he expected some ‘loud bangs’ as he pulled crackers over the Turkey, but didn’t expect there would be any gifts or jokes.

The Russian foreign ministry was not much more help when they described Putin’s holiday plans as “exciting for the rest of the world to watch and filled with fireworks.”

French President Francois Hollander, who is visiting Putin today, is taking a gift of sauces and pickles in the hope of convincing him to stick to dinner.