George Osborne has vowed to replace tax credit cuts with something doubly despicable.
The chancellor revealed that the cuts to tax credits were to be scrapped due to overwhelming public disapproval, rather than any kind of morality on his part.
“George was disappointed” said spokesperson, Simon Williams,
“He barely touched his bowl of pauper’s blood this morning.
“But he remains resilient, and by noon I could hear the usual evil cackles coming from the Drawing Room of Despair.
“I won’t reveal too much about what’s to come, but let’s just say if you’re planning on getting disabled in the coming months…well, just don’t.
“I’d also advise that anyone with a puppy makes the most of their time with it now, as there’s a chance it may be too late by this time next year.
“Remember, George is doing this for your own good, for we are all in this together. May God have mercy on our souls.
“Oh, that’s another thing; we’re probably going to scrap God, so make sure you say your goodbyes on Sunday.”