Theresa May has outlined plans to crack down on the thousands of snowmen that are expected to flock undetected into the UK during this weekend’s Arctic weather spell.
In a rousing speech to the House of Commons, May insisted, “Whenever it snows, we find that the number of snowmen illegally entering the UK skyrockets.
“We’re not sure how they’re getting in, but we can only theorise that they use the snowy atmosphere as camouflage.
“There are genuine concerns that they may be manipulating children into assisting them.
“So we need to check your emails to prevent this happening, ok?”
UKIP MP Douglas Carswell came out in favour of stronger anti-snowman measures, arguing: “We have to put a stop to these snowmen or snow people coming here, stealing our carrots and John Lewis knitwear.
“They’re even helping themselves to our coal, at a time when our elderly most need it to heat their homes.”
Katie Hopkins, who is famous for reasons nobody can now remember, took to Twitter to express her views on the matter, “What I want to know is where are all the snow women and snow children?” She demanded.
“Make no mistake, these snowmen are not political refugees, they’re sinister, frosty scum who’ve left their wives and kids back in Lapland to live it up in our gardens and playgrounds.”
Not everyone took such a hardline view. In a rambling rebuttal, Jeremy Corbyn told May, “The only way to combat this problem is to melt the snowmen with kindness. A hot mug of cocoa and a hug ought to do it.
“Or you could just wait a few days. The problem usually sorts itself out somehow.”