No one picks on France except us, says Britain

author avatar by 9 years ago

David Cameron is to seek Parliamentary approval for direct action against ISIS to remind them that picking on France is Britain’s fucking job.

Britain has been fighting France on and off for a thousand years and still not beaten them so God alone knows what makes ISIS think they’ve got a chance, a government spokesman told us.

In the days after the terrorist atrocity in Paris, the mood of the British people has swung firmly in favour of kicking the Da’esh repeatedly in the plums until they are all dead, and they plan to stand shoulder to shoulder with the French right up until it’s time for the two nations to continue their millennia-long history of petty emnity.

“Listen up, you primitive screwheads”, said Cameron in a statement.

“Nobody fights France except us. Got that?”

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“They’re like the annoying sibling whose eyes you’d happily remove with a spoon, but God help any outsider who harms so much as a hair on their head.”

“The Romans got it, the Spanish Empire got it, even the Nazis  got the message. We’ve been scrapping with the French since the year dot. Take it from us, you don’t know what they’re like when they’re riled.”

“Here’s the plan. We’ll hold ISIS down whilst the French send the boot in. Go on, my son.”

The French Government have said that they’re very pleased their neighbours are planning to get stuck in with them against a common foe, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be getting Calais back.

When it was suggested the British actually love the French, Britain is reported to have looked a bit shifty and gone quiet for a moment before responding that it was a ridiculous suggestion, they’ve just got used to having France around.