Recently deceased former ISIS member Jihadi John is said to be furious about the quality of virgins he has been given in the afterlife, insisting his new home is also little on the hot side.
Upon arrival at what he thought was Paradise, Jihadi John was shown to a small shed on the shores of a lake of fire which will be his home for eternity.
He told our medium, “Every time I complained that this isn’t what Paradise is meant to be like, the tour guide would laugh and say ‘yes, this is “paradise”‘ – always using those annoying air quote things.”
“I demanded my virgins, like any good martyr, but what they brought me is entirely unacceptable.”
“The line-up looks like the queue outside a Chicago Rock Cafe in Basingstoke – there is a very good reason these women are still virgins.”
“And some of them definitely look like they’ve been around the block a few times. One of them is passing around photos of her kids.”
One of Jihadi John’s new hosts told us, “Look, actual genuine virgins are almost impossible to come by these days, so if they’ve got less than ten partners they count, alright?”
A spokesperson for the virgin community said that it was not only Jihadi John who felt cheated by the arrangements.
One told us, “We’re not overly happy about it either, truth by told.”
“When we signed up for this gig we were told it was eternity with a great warrior, who was a hero to his people – not one of the world’s most wanted terrorists.”
“My mum always said I should read the fine print, and she was obviously right.”
45 year-old virgin and computer game enthusiast Kevin Simms told us, “I wasn’t really paying attention when they offered the gig, I was too busy pretending to take on ISIS in Call of Duty on my Xbox. Oh the irony.”
“On the bright-side, he seems to be suffering a bit of ‘stage-fright’ downstairs, so this might not be so bad after all.”