Prime Minister David Cameron has given an overview of the demands he will be making in his renegotiation with the EU.
They include the following:
- All EU member states to only speak English
- Return Calais to English rule
- No ‘funny’ food
- All women to wear bras at all times, even in bed
- All EU citizens must learn how to make a ‘proper’ cup of tea
- No one to talk to Scotland until we say it’s alright to do so
“I believe these to be a very reasonable set of conditions,” said Mr Cameron yesterday.
“And if anyone disagrees, I would remind them that it’s called ‘Great’ Britain for a reason, there’s not ‘Great’ Belgium or ‘Great’ Italy is there?”
The set of demands have come as a surprise to those expecting the discussion to focus on migration and the single currency, but Mr Cameron is known to be a passionate advocate of women wearing bras ever since a braless young woman in a t-shirt walked past him in in Hamburg and he was unable to focus for a week.
Exactly what food is considered ‘funny’ will need to be clearly defined, but is thought to include organs, garlic and anything not cooked properly.
German President issued a response early this morning.
“Sorry, David who?” she asked, before getting on with the business of running the most powerful trading block in the world.