Cameron’s EU demands: Everyone to speak English and give us back Calais

author avatar by 9 years ago

Prime Minister David Cameron has given an overview of the demands he will be making in his renegotiation with the EU.

They include the following:

  • All EU member states to only speak English
  • Return Calais to English rule
  • No ‘funny’ food
  • All women to wear bras at all times, even in bed
  • All EU citizens must learn how to make a ‘proper’ cup of tea
  • No one to talk to Scotland until we say it’s alright to do so

“I believe these to be a very reasonable set of conditions,” said Mr Cameron yesterday.

“And if anyone disagrees, I would remind them that it’s called ‘Great’ Britain for a reason, there’s not ‘Great’ Belgium or ‘Great’ Italy is there?”

The set of demands have come as a surprise to those expecting the discussion to focus on migration and the single currency, but Mr Cameron is known to be a passionate advocate of women wearing bras ever since a braless young woman in a t-shirt walked past him in in Hamburg and he was unable to focus for a week.

Exactly what food is considered ‘funny’ will need to be clearly defined, but is thought to include organs, garlic and anything not cooked properly.

German President issued a response early this morning.

“Sorry, David who?” she asked, before getting on with the business of running the most powerful trading block in the world.