Wednesday 11 November 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Cameron’s EU demands: Everyone to speak English and give us back Calais

David Cameron EU negotiation

Prime Minister David Cameron has given an overview of the demands he will be making in his renegotiation with the EU.

They include the following:

  • All EU member states to only speak English
  • Return Calais to English rule
  • No ‘funny’ food
  • All women to wear bras at all times, even in bed
  • All EU citizens must learn how to make a ‘proper’ cup of tea
  • No one to talk to Scotland until we say it’s alright to do so

“I believe these to be a very reasonable set of conditions,” said Mr Cameron yesterday.

“And if anyone disagrees, I would remind them that it’s called ‘Great’ Britain for a reason, there’s not ‘Great’ Belgium or ‘Great’ Italy is there?”

The set of demands have come as a surprise to those expecting the discussion to focus on migration and the single currency, but Mr Cameron is known to be a passionate advocate of women wearing bras ever since a braless young woman in a t-shirt walked past him in in Hamburg and he was unable to focus for a week.

Exactly what food is considered ‘funny’ will need to be clearly defined, but is thought to include organs, garlic and anything not cooked properly.

German President issued a response early this morning.

“Sorry, David who?” she asked, before getting on with the business of running the most powerful trading block in the world.

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