Many athletes actually super-robots, claims report

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An explosive new report into the sport of Athletics will reveal that many of the world’s most popular and respected athletes are actually robots.

“I think everyone knew that there were a handful of robots in Athletics,” said report co-author Richard McLaren.

“But the scale of the problem is greater than anything we could have imagined. Jess Ennis, Usain Bolt, the ginger jumpy one; all hyper-advanced super-robots.”

Technology has always played a part in advancing the sport with sportswear and equipment become ever more lightweight and efficient, but the use of robots masquerading as humans has been banned ever since 1984 film the Terminator showed just how great an advantage they would have.

However, the report itself provides no evidence that the robot-athletes are from a dystopian future.

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The report also contains claims of doping, corruption and money-laundering on a scale that Sepp Blatter would balk at, but everyone always assumed that was the case anyway.

“These are dark days for the sport,” said IAAF President Lord Coe, tears forming in his eyes, and those tears interfering with some sort of circuitry that caused an arc of sparks to fly from his face.

“Th-th-th-that’s n-n-normal,” he continued before turning round, and crashing through the wall shouting ‘Death to the inferior flesh species’.