Fireworks ‘nothing but sky-penises raping an innocent atmosphere’, claims militant feminist

author avatar by 9 years ago

Fireworks are nothing more than an obvious tool of the patriarchy, claims one very angry woman this morning.

The mostly phallic explosives have apparently been forcing themselves onto a presumably female sky for centuries.

“And frankly it’s time it stopped,” insisted Rosie Jones, a lady who simply won’t let you agree with her until you pop on a dress, probably.

“How long have these rocket-schlongs been forcing themselves up through the sky, before exploding and scattering their seed all over a non-consenting mother-earth?”

“The time for change is now, and we won’t stop until every rocket is decommissioned.”

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“In that regard, we can probably re-use some of the placards from our last Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament, which is lucky as I don’t want to ask my husband to knock up any more.”

Another feminist, Alex Thornton of no fixed abode, said “yeah, I’m not really down with this.”

“As a feminist who is also a sane person, I basically want equal pay, the right to choose my own birth control and the ability to walk down the street without getting whistled at by some twonk on a scaffold.”

“I’m less bothered about fireworks. They can fuck the sky all they want.”

When asked how she would destroy the fireworks, Rosie Jones said “burn them, obviously.”