Thursday 5 November 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Fireworks ‘nothing but sky-penises raping an innocent atmosphere’, claims militant feminist


Fireworks are nothing more than an obvious tool of the patriarchy, claims one very angry woman this morning.

The mostly phallic explosives have apparently been forcing themselves onto a presumably female sky for centuries.

“And frankly it’s time it stopped,” insisted Rosie Jones, a lady who simply won’t let you agree with her until you pop on a dress, probably.

“How long have these rocket-schlongs been forcing themselves up through the sky, before exploding and scattering their seed all over a non-consenting mother-earth?”

“The time for change is now, and we won’t stop until every rocket is decommissioned.”

“In that regard, we can probably re-use some of the placards from our last Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament, which is lucky as I don’t want to ask my husband to knock up any more.”

Another feminist, Alex Thornton of no fixed abode, said “yeah, I’m not really down with this.”

“As a feminist who is also a sane person, I basically want equal pay, the right to choose my own birth control and the ability to walk down the street without getting whistled at by some twonk on a scaffold.”

“I’m less bothered about fireworks. They can fuck the sky all they want.”

When asked how she would destroy the fireworks, Rosie Jones said “burn them, obviously.”

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