Louis van Gaal tells Manchester United fans ‘defence is best form of attack’

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Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal has responded to supporter criticism of his side’s tedious style, claiming defence is by far the best form of attack.

The Dutchman urged the clubs fans to learn to appreciate the virtues of the back-passes which have made a visit to Old Trafford as feared in Europe as a David Cameron threat to withdraw from the EU.

“Fans who had become accustomed to the ‘Manchester United way’ of free-flowing all-out-attack football of yesteryear need to relax,” Van Gaal told reporters at a post-match press conference.

“Getting everyone not only behind the ball, but the half-way line is the embodiment of good attacking play.”

“Just look at the most effective of predators in the animal kingdom – the Komodo dragon.”

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“After administering a single poisonous wound to its victim, it sits by its prey doing absolutely nothing for sometimes weeks on end until the victim finally expires.”

“This is very much like my Manchester United.”

“But the only things that will be expiring under my watch appears to be the season-ticket renewals of the Stretford End.”

Manchester United fan, Simon Williams, said he longed for the days when an enraged Scotsman patrolled the sidelines barking for his team to attack.

“Under Moyes that meant roll over and have your tummy tickled, but under Ferguson it was different.”

“It was a direct instruction to target the ref.”

Reports later suggested the club had approached football’s governing body FIFA to request the revoking of the back-pass rule introduced in 1992, a move subsequently denied.