Farting perfectly okay if you pretend to rev an invisible motorbike, experts confirm

author avatar by 7 years ago

Breaking wind loudly in a public place is ‘perfectly okay’ so long as you move your hands like you’re revving a motorbike, etiquette experts have confirmed.

Stamping your foot like you’re hitting the kickstarter is considered a must if you really let rip, they added.

The question arose after Princess Michael of Kent let go a real belter at a state banquet last week and defused the situation by immediately pretending to ride an invisible Kawasaki.

The advice appears in the latest issue of GQ magazine article “Blowing your guts; a gentleman’s guide to dropping one.”

“Traditionally flatulence has been a social no-no”, Debretts spokesman Simon Williams told us.

“But times change and it’s now more important to be seen to own your actions, whatever they are.”

“Whilst social mores used to demand you simply raise one buttocks and hope your cushion muffled the explosion, an increase in rich, natural and above all fibrous food in the diet means a quick shorthand to cover things up is needed.”

“Gwynneth Paltrow is a social hostess who drinks eight pints of liquified kale, wheat grass and mushy sprouts a day, so her backside is pretty much constantly on the go; this new rule is for people like her.”

Paltrow is reported to have Harley-Davidson custom design an imaginary Hog in black and chrome for her to pretent to fire up at need.

However, not all standards have changed. Gentlemen should still wear a jacket to wave about to clear the air, but they are now allowed to comment on their actions.

“Act like it’s a fine wine”, Williams added.

“Comment of the rich, fruity aromas of Autumn and the lingering aftertaste of sulphur on the palate until you’ve got the window open.”