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An annoying man on the Underground has this morning demanded people ‘move down’ inside the carriage like it’s the fucking Tardis or something.
Simon Williams, a hateful man in red corduroy trousers and an entitled, plummy voice, was interviewed this morning after demanding people ‘move down’ a Central Line train despite them already being crammed in like cattle on their way to a Greek slaughterhouse.
His actions resulted in a further 0.008 microns of space being found in the compartment, which he greeted by making a loud tutting noise evidently designed to ensure he became even more universally loathed.
“I’ve got to get to a vital meeting about the Forex account,” he told us, “and clearly people could have made room if they’d just budged up a bit.”
“I could see through the window there was one woman who hadn’t given up the last vestiges of any concept of personal space or self-respect by shoving herself into someone’s armpit.”
“She could have made space for me.”
“Me, me, me”, he added.
Simon confirmed that he and his wife will be taking their over-indulged son Oliver to the Natural history museum on Saturday afternoon and will naturally expect other train users to push themselves ever closer together as of right.
“Oliver is very creative and needs lots of space on the train at rush hour to express himself,” he told us.
“Fortunately my wife has a voice which could crack glass at forty paces so we don’t foresee any problems getting it.”
