Most Australians a product of heavy drinking, finds study

author avatar by 7 years ago

Most Australians are a product of heavy drinking, according to studies released today.

Social scientists believe that early immigrants to Australia started putting it away pretty much immediately upon arrival and haven’t let up since, which explains their success in breeding.

The slow, slurred, drawling Aussie accent is a product of continuous consumption of alcohol and makes it impossible for Australians to tell what each other are saying, resulting in them being willing to have sex with each other.

Statistics indicate that people have sex with sober Australians ‘about as often as a dingo chops a stumpo on a prawn’s barbie’, which probably means rarely but frankly who knows.

The boozing goes right back to Australia’s earliest days, we were told.

“When Captain Cook discovered Australia he had actually been out on a stag do in Bristol the night before and had got on the 18th-century equivalent of the beer scooter home,” Professor Simon Williams of the Queensland Institute of  Technicolour Yawning Studies said.

“Waking up without any pants and a traffic cone on his head in Botany Bay the next morning was actually a serious shock to the poor man.”

“He covered it up by claiming to be a great explorer, but ugly rumours and the nickname ‘chunder Cook’ followed him round for the rest of his life.”

Australia is expected to respond to the reports just as soon as it has stopped clutching its head and moaning.