I’d have told Mary and Joseph to fuck off home, reveals devout Catholic Tony Abbott

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Former Australian prime minister Tony Abbott has called on Europe to close its borders to people making long perilous journeys from the east.

Abbott spoke of the duty of every good Catholic whilst delivering the second Margaret Thatcher Lecture on Tuesday evening.

He told those gathered in the audience at London’s Guildhall, “I am devout Catholic, and as the good book tells us, ‘shut the door on your neighbours’ – especially if they come by donkey from a generally eastern direction”.

“The true heroes of the Bible are the Bethlehem innkeepers who were full, and therefore did not bow to the pressure of the Liberal left to open their doors.”

“Clearly God is telling us that we need to turn away immigrants, no matter how vulnerable or heavily pregnant they may be. They will be alright elsewhere.”

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“Those innkeepers knew that if you open the doors for one of couple, soon you’ll end up packed to the rafters with people trying to find a better life. Who wants that?”

“Obviously there’s no specific mention of migration by boat in the Bible, but I know in my heart that if Noah had arrived in my garden after the flood, God would have wanted me to turn him around with the threat armed officers. Obviously.”

“Yes, of course I’m going to Heaven, why do you ask?”