Britain brought to standstill by Gin shortage

author avatar by 9 years ago

The threat of a Gin shortage has caused Britain to grind to a halt today, with riots feared across the country if the situation is not resolved quickly.

Reports are already emerging of panic-buying and people taking to the streets with large areas of Cheshire and the Cotswolds under mob rule.

Lynch mobs turning on anyone suspected of stockpiling Bombay Sapphire and publicans selling short measures are reported to be “commonplace”.

The importance of Gin to the national economy cannot be underestimated, with government statistics showing as much as 70% of productive activity being fuelled wholly or partly by the spirit.

In addition, many believe that most parenting would be ‘entirely impossible’ without mummy’s special bathtime drink.

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The shortage, caused by the Scots failing to pay due care and attention to their juniper bushes, is understood to have reduced Britain’s productivity by almost half and contributed to the fall in GDP reported yesterday.

“When I heard we might run out of gin everything sort of went red,” Gin enthusiast Maddie Telford told us.

“I’m not exactly sure what happened next, but when my vision cleared I was standing on top of a barricade, a bus was on fire and the guy who runs my local off-license had been tarred and feathered.”

“That was when the water cannon showed up. I hoped it might be full of gin, but no such luck.”

“So in many ways a pretty normal Saturday night, but with no gin. No Gin. NO GIN.”

Social scientists have pointed out that no society is ever more than three stiff drinks from chaos and have pleaded with distillers to find a solution to the shortage quickly before the situation either gets badly out of hand or they’re forced to drink Bacardi Breezers out of sheer desperation.