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Ed Sheeran has today issued a chilling threat to release a new album unless he is paid one hundred billion dollars.
Stroking a white cat and speaking from a base hidden inside an extinct volcano, the chirpy ginger troubadour issued a ultimatum to unleash an updated version of his album “X” by direct video to the UN security council, sparking panic amongst world leaders.
It is understood the G8 group of nations is to convene an emergency meeting to address the threat, which it is taking “incredibly seriously.”
The new material is rumoured to be an especially dangerous hybrid, and may contain a duet with Adele.
“I look on the human race as insects”, Sheeran told UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, whilst compulsively fondling the head of his cat.
“What do they know of fear? Only what I have chosen to show them.”
“Unless my demands are met, they shall come to understand the worst things in life come free to them.”
“After all”, he added with a sinister chuckle. “Pain is only relevant if it still hurts. Isn’t that right, Mister Moon?”
Sheeran is reported to have added that he can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is not paying up immediately.
The British government is said to be tremendously concerned about its ability to raise their part of the money after the House of Lords ruled they had to give it all to fat people yesterday afternoon.
