Bacon ‘fine’ if you don’t fuck it in the mouth, say experts

author avatar by 9 years ago

Catching cancer from pigs carries a minimal risk as long as they don’t eat you, experts believe.

Processed meat is fine in moderate amounts according to a study, but carnivores should refrain from delicate manoeuvres such as a ‘soixante-neuf’.

Findings show that regular attempts to go head-to-toe with a series of bacon rashers lined up together can take up to five years off your life.

The news comes as a ‘blow’ to the Conservative Party, and you can write your own joke there.

As reported earlier, David Cameron will miss Prime Minister’s Questions this week because of an appointment at the high-class Pimlico STD clinic.

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However, a government spokesperson insisted that ‘Red, bulbous and about to burst’ were not a list of symptoms, but merely a description of Mr Cameron’s face at the last PMQs.

The PM has refrained from sex as a precautionary measure and has resorted instead to knocking one out over the Countryfile calendar.

Conservative Party spokesman, Tarquin Ward-Delamere, said, “The PM has been very depressed since the link between cancer and fucking a dead pig in the mouth was made public so we’re going to cheer him up with a trip to Adam’s farm.”

The cancer scare rounds off a bad week for Cameron, who upset the Chinese PM with a below par oriental buffet.

Ward-Delamere added, “The egg fried rice was fine, but a £4 bn trade deal was nearly scuppered because the Sweet and Sour Pork main course smelt of cum.”

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