Manchester derby to replace water-boarding as most extreme form of torture

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Torturers around the world hailed yesterday’s Manchester derby as a new, incredibly powerful weapon in their arsenal.

“Previously, water-boarding and battering the soles of feet have been considered the worst tortures that we can perform,” said Simon Williams, retired torturer for the Tony Blair regime.

“But that Manchester derby? Normal human beings are simply not able to endure that sort of thing. I think fifteen minutes of that would crack anyone.”

The Manchester derby played out yesterday and was so crushingly boring that Match of the Day pundit Jermaine Jenas broke down in tears midway through the second half.

“It was a harrowing, awful ninety minutes,” he said, his voice calm, but his eyes betraying the appalling nature of what he’d witnessed.

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“The highlight was when a pigeon flew over the stadium.”

“No one should ever have to sit through that again, it was inhumane.”

The United Nations is already preparing to step in to try and prevent videos of the match getting into the hands of nations who regularly use torture such as North Korea, Syria and the USA.

“I think we can all accept that a little light water-boarding is acceptable to prevent an atrocity,” said UN Representative Gillian Bird

“But to make someone sit through a full replay of the Manchester derby? It would be a crime against humanity.”