Jose Mourinho blames Chelsea loss on West Ham having the cheek to ‘turn up’

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The manager of Chelsea FC has said his team’s poor performance on Saturday is due to the completely uncalled-for presence of the other team.

“Unacceptable” shrugged the grumpy twat, “there are some things that, in football, you just don’t do.”

“West Ham owe an apology to Chelsea, to football fans, to God and, ultimately, to me.”

“I don’t know who they think they are, turning up and putting in a shift. You wouldn’t see such behaviour from my team.”

“If I were to use a metaphor for the situation, it would be pretty tedious and wouldn’t make sense, so I won’t bother.”

“But everyone knows what happened. I saw it, the referee saw it. West Ham not only trespassed on our pitch, they also had the nerve to put two goals in while they were there, which is basically vandalism.”

Chelsea fan, Simon Williams, said “I’m not even sure what I’m supporting anymore.”

“I have a vague memory of a competent football team, but now it looks like I’m backing a troupe of blind track athletes.”