A man has started to wonder exactly what he did to the universe in order to have such bad luck recently.
Simon Williams, a lifelong Chelsea supporter, has seen his team’s form go to shit in the same month as his car exploding and his bank details being nabbed from his TalkTalk account.
“I must have run over a cat or something,” said Williams, “I would have buried it if I’d noticed the thing.”
“In my defence, it’s hard to see anything when there’s smoke pouring in from the air vents.”
“I tried to log on to the Internet to see if an exploding dashboard is a common fault in Vauxhalls, but then someone hacked TalkTalk and basically broke the Internet.”
“The way my luck’s going I’m quite surprised my house is still standing.”
“I don’t actually believe in Karma – because I’m not a child – but if I did, then I would definitely be banging on about it right now.”
Simon Williams has decided to book a holiday and just take a fortnight away from his countless problems.
“I’ve booked with Malaysia Airlines, and we’re going via the Bermuda Triangle,” said Williams.
When asked why this happens, God told us, “Actually, it’s because he doesn’t recycle, but don’t tell him, this is all quite fun.”