Wayne Rooney is to sue a toy company for accurately portraying him as himself.
The Manchester United “striker” filed potato-printed papers this morning after a doll was brought to his attention which was called “Wayne Rooney” and looked exactly like Wayne Rooney.
“It’s hideous,” confirmed a spokesperson for Rooney, having deciphered the athlete’s primitive sign-language.
“The thinning hairline, the squinty eyes, the bitchy-resting-face…It’s all there.”
“It’s a hideous slight on Wayne, and a horrible reflection on who he is; much like the bathroom mirror, which we are also seeking damages from.”
Toy creator, Simon Williams, said “I see his point, to be honest.”
“It was a pretty terrifying ordeal to make the thing. I remember as I was forming the face, making the nose more bulbous, giving the figure the full Rooney….In that moment, as the face took its full shape, lightning struck, and I couldn’t help but laugh maniacally.”
“Please buy some, I don’t want them in my shop any longer than they have to be.”