David Cameron has told Jamie Oliver to shove it via the gift of chocolate.
It is thought the Tory leader’s rage was prompted by his rejection of a recommended 20% tax on sugary foods, outlined in a report he hasn’t read but still rejected anyway.
“And that was right after Jamie opened his dribbling mouth,” said a Downing Street spokesman, “so it’s basically all his fault. That’s what we’ve been told to work to this week.”
The self-styled Prime Minister stormed into “Fifteen”, handed over a Snickers bar with a sneer and suggested “maybe this will stop you talking bollocks, sunshine” before flouncing out like a goddamn hero.
“It was extraordinary” said sous chef, Simon Williams, “usually the Prime Minster books in advance.”
“But also, seeing Jamie’s mouth closed is really something. I wasn’t aware it could shut. Much like your mum’s legs. Boom.”
“No, seriously, it’s been very upsetting for him. He’s more of a Double Decker man.”
Diners at the restaurant were similarly shocked.
“Have you seen these fucking prices?!” said Marcus Wright, who had the fish.
“What? Oh, Cameron, yeah, that was pretty funny.”
“On the way out, he stopped at the door, turned, looked at all of us, then looked at Jamie and said “unlike all of these poor souls, YOU just got served!” before doing a z-shaped finger-snap and walking out.”
“I’m sure he probably prepared that line in advance, but it was still brilliant.”