Everything is shit because we live in Marty McFly’s dystopian alternative timeline

author avatar by 9 years ago

Your entire existence is completely awful because you are a tiny part of a terrible alternate timeline created by Marty McFly in 1985.

If McFly had not been so riled at the prospect of being called ‘chicken’ you would probably be sitting on a beach somewhere enjoying the fruits of an invention you’ve never even thought of.

“It’s all part of the multiverse theory,” explained theoretical physicist Professor Simon Williams.

“Just look around you.  Spiralling poverty, childhood obesity, the rise of food banks, fundamentalist terrorism, gun rampages in schools, snooping governments, packed tube trains and Donald Trump – how can this not be the dystopian alternative future?

“I’m pretty sure if we look hard enough we’ll find a photo of Donald Trump in 1985 with a copy of the 2000/01 Property Investor’s Almanac.”

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Professor Williams went on to explain that everything around you could disappear in an instant, but only if Marty is somehow able to fix whatever he accidentally changed.

He said, “Marty altered something in the past – maybe something that seemed insignificant at the time – and now here we are thirty years later and we’re all completely surrounded by shitty circumstances and shitty people doing entirely shitty things.

“It wasn’t deliberate, and I’m sure he and Doc are doing everything they can to prevent a future that includes Nigel Farage and the Kardashians.

“On the brightside, I have a sneaking suspicion that if Marty goes back to 1985 and ignores Needles calling him chicken, you will cease to exist and won’t have to go to work in the morning.”