The race for the White House was thrown wide open today after a heavily financed AR 15 Assault Rifle announced plans to run as an independent.
The rifle has raised tens of millions in campaign financing from the National Rifle Association and other gun enthusiast groups, with a volunteer workforce running into the tens of thousands.
The NRA’s Vice President of Communications and life-time member Dale Dixon said “Our group wants a candidate that looks mean and shoots straight from the hip.”
“We live in a dangerous world and we want someone in the White House who helps keep us safe from home invasions, zombies, climate change and other guns.”
The only policy released so far is a plan to modernize the seal for the United States of America.
Currently an Eagle grasping an olive branch in one claw and a bushel of arrows in the other, the group announced it would replace these with something more appropriate; two Ingram MAC-10 submachine guns.
When questioned by reporters at a press conference, the gun remained ominously quiet.
An NRA official declined any further comment beyond, “Yes, but just look at it, lying there, all sleek and sensual. Mmmm, that is a sexy gun.”
The conference came to an abrupt end after one reporter was blinded by the laser-sight before the gun accidentally slipped off a table and shot someone.