The Democratic republic of Congo has now become so unstable that it is no longer possible to obtain Um Bongo, no matter how far way down in the middle you actually go.
Decades of war, corruption and uncertainty have rendered the state one of the most unstable in the world and where once python’s pickled passion fruit there is now only devastation and ruin.
“There used to be sun, and fun, and goodness in the jungle,” said one local.
“Whilst we do all prefer the sunny, funny one they call Um Bongo. There’s just no way to get it.”
“I haven’t seen a parrot painting packets for years now, so there’s literally nowhere for the whole caboodle to land in.”
It has been seven years since a hippo was last recorded taking an apricot, a guava and a mango. As was traditional in the region, he stuck it with the others.
However, he was about to dance a dainty tango when he was shot in the face by insurgents during a brutal period of fighting.
It has become increasingly a fact that wherever they do drink Um Bongo, it certainly isn’t in the jungle.