Pregnant smokers much, much cooler, finds study

author avatar by 9 years ago

A survey which found that pregnant women in the north of the country are much more likely to smoke, claims that as a result they are much, much cooler than their southern counterparts.

A third of pregnant women in Blackpool smoke, compared to just 4% in Surrey, confirming earlier speculation that Blackpool is almost nine times cooler than Richmond.

Lead researcher Simon Williams told us, “They say that you simply can’t put a price on looking cool.  Though in the north they appear to have done so, and it is roughly the equivalent of having a healthy child.”

Pregnant Blackpool resident Shelley Jones told us, “We’re working on the 66% of expectant mothers who are doing their best to drag this region down to the levels of the terminally uncool south-east – but with little success so far.”

“They actually believe all that stuff on our fag packets.  The idiots.”

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Smoking when pregnant

Leading smoking campaigner Fred Nashford said that a change in tactics is needed before we lose an entire generation of pregnant non-smokers to the clutches of the uncool.

He told us, “When you see a pregnant woman smoking, what do you think?  Yes, you think ‘I want to be that woman, I NEED to be that woman’ – but somehow we’re struggling to get our message across to people outside of Blackpool.”

Leading health experts took a few minutes away from all the sighing and head-shaking to tell us, “We clearly need to focus our anti-smoking messages on the things that are important to these pregnant women, not trivial matters like the ongoing healthy of their as-yet unborn child.”

“They’d drink a bottle of piss a day if Katie Price said it helped her lose three ounces, but they won’t stop smoking because scientists told them it’s bad for their baby.”

“That’s the sort of person we’re dealing with here.”

“So I’m thinking new warning labels such as, ‘smoking makes your fat’ or ‘Smoking will make your man go off with that slag who works behind the deli counter in Asda’.”

“You know, something that they actually care about?”