The Common Cold deliberately waits until the weekend because it’s a bastard, scientists have confirmed this morning.
Scientists believe the DNA of the cold bacterium is programmed to be inactive between 7am on Monday and 3:30pm on Friday whereupon it switches on with gusto, completely fucking up all your plans for a night out and maybe seeing your friends.
The Cold, Rhinopharyngitis, is believed to have evolved to strike at weekends through a process known as “Bastardisation”, which is also responsible for the evolution of wasps.
“It’s hard to say what the evolutionary purpose of bastardisation is but it definitely exists; we’ve known about it for years due to wasps and traffic wardens”, said head researcher Dr Simon Williams of the Institute of Phlegm Studies.
“In the case of the common cold, it’s like the bacterium actively wants you to have a shit weekend but not to be sufficiently unwell to take Monday off.”
“Unless you work for the council, but you don’t need a cold to do that.”
The research team had planned a night out over the weekend to celebrate the release of their report, but have cancelled as they’re all feeling a bit under the weather.