Cows are totally a type of vegetable, drunk vegetarians have loudly insisted today.
With reports that a third of vegetarians eat meat when they’re drunk, vegetarians have angrily insisted that alcohol allows you to metabolise a Whopper Cheese as if it was made out of broccoli.
Not only that, but five pints has a peculiar medical effect which turns bacon into a close relative of the cauliflower.
Vegan spokesman Simon Williams told us that if you got too drunk to remember the kebab with extra sauce it didn’t even count as eating it.
“The human body is a really remarkable thing,” he told us.
“It can take thin, crispy slices of dead pig and make them no more interesting or exciting than a lump of tofu just by adding several cans of Heineken first.”
“And not many people realise it but a Hawaiian pizza with extra salami is a close evolutionary relative of quinoa after half a litre of cider.”
Non-smokers have added their voices to the debate by insisting that six or more units of alcohol renders cigarettes harmless, and that goes double if you don’t pay for them yourself.