Extended waiting lists for appointments with General Practitioners now means it is quicker to become a doctor than actually getting to see one.
With patients being forced to forgo visits to the doctor in favour of medical drop-ins and one-to-ones with triage nurses, requesting an audience with a GP is as ambitious as Frankie Goes to Hollywood extending the offer of an audition to Pope Francis.
A spokesman for the NHS, Simon Williams, encouraged patients to align their expectations with the level of services on offer.
“The days of falling ill and getting to see a qualified GP to cure your ailment are a memory as distant as Nicholas Clegg,” he told us.
“The best chance you have to actually look a doctor in the eye is to undertake your doctorates and medical exams and look at yourself in the mirror when you’ve passed.”
“Failing that, tune in to BBC 1 on Saturdays at around 8PM.”
Williams continued, “Sure, the studying can take over a decade in some instances.”
“But then getting an appointment with a ‘proper’ doctor these days is more about being mis-diagnosed and fobbed off with the antidepressants that pharmaceuticals companies are offering clinics a bonus for prescribing.”
Periodic patient, Hilary Mount, was aghast at taxpayers being corralled into a career in the NHS in order to receive treatment.
“I’d rather drop dead than scratch around with a stethoscope trying to listen to my heart-beat.”
“Clearly I’d fit in perfectly.”