David Cameron vows ‘assault on the poor’ in conference speech

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David Cameron has vowed to devote much of his time in office to ‘an all-out assault on poor people’, in his speech to the Conservative Party conference.

The prime minister, who will stand down before the next election, said he wanted to ‘exterminate anyone who makes less than thirty grand’.

“I have been inspired throughout my political life to remove the festering sore of poor people,” he said, visibly tumescent.

“They scuttle about with their unpleasant headwear, eating findus crispy pancakes and calling each other ‘mate’ – it just makes our country more horrid for the decent folk; the nice ones who go to work and vote Tory.”

George Osborne spent the entire speech with his hands tucked down the front of his pants, a rapt and sensual expression on his face.

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Cameron continued, “I dream of a society where poor people have all moved to Scotland where they belong, and everyone else just shuts up and does what they’re told.”

Nearly hoarse with emotion, he reached a crescendo.

“I pledge to everyone in this room, and everyone in the country…who has a good job, and is on the property ladder, that is, that you will never, ever again have to be faced with poor people and their ways!”

He then let out an animalistic grunt as a damp patch appeared on the front of his trousers, and he rushed from the stage.