Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated, confirms Osborne

author avatar by 7 years ago

George Osborne has told the Conservative conference he plans to assimilate the entire human race create terrifying half human/half Tory hybrids incapable of empathy or compassion.

“Resistance is futile,” said the Chancellor, staring across the auditorium with the cold dead eyes of an assimilated human.

“You will be assimilated. We are Tory.”

It is understood that the Tories entered human society after Jean-Luc Picard and the crew of the starship enterprise failed to stop their ceaseless march across the galaxy.

For the past thirty years they have quietly assimilated various groups of people, turning them into mindless automatons, capable only of parroting the words of Tory command.

The Daily Mail readership was the first to fall, followed closely by Surrey and then old seventies comedians, then five years ago, they stepped up their campaign by assimilating the Liberal Democrat party and their supporters.

Finally today saw the chilling news that Labour party supporters were to be assimilated over a course of the next five years, to have all individual thoughts replaced with meaningless concepts such as austerity, a ‘living wage,’ and welfare scroungers.

Humankind’s sole hope is a raggle-taggle group of Liberal Democrat rebels who recently briefly established a base on the south coast before having to flee for their lives.

By and large though, humankind is fine with it as long as taxes don’t go up too much.