Seasonal Affective Disorder caused by return of Jools F**king Holland

author avatar by 8 years ago
NewsThump Needs Your Help

The debilitating condition known as SAD has been directly linked to watching Later with Jools Holland, experts have confirmed.

Boffins who study this type of thing noticed a striking correlation between the number of people who feel like killing themselves and the no-necked presenter’s return to the autumn schedules.

Countries that receive the show, such as Sweden and Belgium, have the highest suicides in Europe despite government attempts to block the signal.

Long-term SAD sufferer Thomas Marsh said, “The sinking feeling begins with the ‘quirky’ opening sequence of a miniature Jools Holland trying to navigate his way to the studio.”

“It gets worse when I realise the star guests are Elbow and I’m going to have to listen to ninety minutes of shite to hear the one act I like.”

NewsThump best selling notebooks

“If I flip over to Newsnight Extra, there’s five people talking cleverly about some play I don’t understand and never will.”

SAD expert, Simon Williams, said, “Sufferers are advised to ingest plenty of Vitamin D and avoid excesses of honky-tonk piano.”

“There’s no point trying to understand Mr Holland’s bizarre obsession with Alicia C*nting Keys. That way lies madness.”

“Did you know that they film the Hootenanny in October? They’ve been lying to us all along,” Marsh continued.

He added, “Let me introduce you to my special guests tonight . Valium, Prozac and all the way from the wonderful LA – Crystal Meth!”