Inmates across England and Wales have vowed to compensate for the forthcoming prison smoking ban by upping their Class A drug intake instead.
The ban, which will prevent prisoners from smoking tobacco in their cells, is due to come into force from 2016.
Inmate and smoker, Simon Williams, said he was now looking forward to alleviating the stresses of prison life with far harder substances.
“I’m ultimately hopeful that the smoking ban proves as effective as the drug ban in prisons,” he told reporters.
“I’ve always enjoyed a roll-up, but if the ban the prison authorities are proposing is enforced properly then I’ve got little choice but to turn to the readily available crack cocaine for my fix – although I hear skag is amazing.”
He continued, “But policing this ban will be difficult that’s for sure.”
“We’ve already nick-named the impending smoke alarms ‘kiddy-fiddlers’ because they’ll last about as long as one in here – unless they install them all in the same wing, which wouldn’t really work would it?”
Lifer, Charlie Mount, was disappointed that his life term had effectively been extended as a result of the proposals.
“This is punishment for punishment’s sake.”
“Being a committed 80-a-day smoker, I had knocked a good few years off my life sentence by smoking myself into an early grave.”
“But now they want to keep me healthy and extend my sentence even further. I bet the Daily Mail will be delighted.”