Stem cell trial aims to cure stupidity

author avatar by 9 years ago

London surgeons have carried out a pioneering human embryonic stem cell operation in an ongoing trial to find a cure for stupidity.

The procedure was performed on Arthur, aged 38, from Essex, a known UKIP supporter and Britain First enthusiast; the very characteristics that made him a highly suitable candidate for the trial.

Arthur, like many sufferers with stupidity, said he could recall a sudden loss of opinion, shortly followed by confusion that regularly turns to anger and hostility, especially towards outsiders or people he doesn’t quite understand.

The London Project to Cure Stupidity (LPCS) was established in the last decade as a response to the general public’s susceptibility to media misinformation, and the worrying rise of UKIP.

Arthur is a fine example in this instance of a man who has lost all ability to think independently and critically, but he is not alone as 9 other sufferers of stupidity will also be taking part in the trial – all not so coincidentally supporters of the UK Independence Party.

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The surgery aims to remove the primitive part of the brain that forces sufferers of stupidity to make snap judgements based on fear, as well as forcing them to react to what they don’t understand with hostility.

By “seeding” new stem cells into the brain, the surgeons hope to transform the patients into humans with fully functioning brains, capable of critical analysis and logical reasoning.

Prof. Gerald Peterson, who is co-leading the LPCS had this to say, “We won’t know until around Christmas the extent to which the operations have been a success, or how long the success may last in the patients.”

“Most of these patients have suffered from AMS (Acute Moronic Stupidity) which is a very particular and potent strain of stupidity, which could lead to long term recovery problems.”

Patients with AMS lose their ability to fully control their central thought process, leading to their opinions becoming distorted and unreasonable, a problem now estimated to affect up to 5 million British people.

Despite the challenges they are facing the surgeons involved in LPCS remain confident they can drastically reduce stupidity in the UK.

Naturally, Nigel Farage is distraught with any notion that might increase the IQ of the country by a few points, but failed to comment on the pioneering stem cell treatment.