Wednesday 30 September 2015 by Lucas Wilde

David Cameron would be ‘absolutely delighted’ to press nuclear launch button

David Cameron press nuclear button

The Prime Minister has confirmed he would kick off WW3 whilst giggling like a lunatic.

Mr. Cameron made the announcement following Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s confirmation that he would never use a nuclear launch trigger and subsequently end all life on earth, the big pansy.

“Being Prime Minister does mean making some difficult decisions and carrying out difficult tasks,” said Cameron, “however I would take great pleasure in this particular task.”

“I think everyone knows that beneath this shiny veneer beats the heart of a wankerous madman who would happily oversee the premature death of planet earth from the safety of an underground bunker.”

“Just as long as we make sure Oxford is safe, of course.”

The Prime Minister’s comments came as a shock to absolutely nobody.

“Welcome to my world” shrugged disabled benefits claimant, Simon Williams, “it’s merely a literal representation of what he’s done to me and everyone like me.”

“I’ve got a plan for this sort of thing anyway. It involves a VW camper van, several hundred tins of spam and a map of the Isles of Scilly.”

“It would make a great little film if there was anyone left alive to see it.”

10 Downing Street also confirmed the comments, but also confirmed that David Cameron wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the launch button after a few scotches.

“We’ll distract him by throwing a dead pig’s face at him,” confirmed a spokesperson.

“It’s a crude solution, but it’s either that or he nukes an area the size of Wales; specifically, Wales.”

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