A new standards review into the practises of charities is expected to recommend that street charity collectors or ‘Chuggers’ should be summarily executed where they stand.
“The most pressing business of this review,” said Stuart Etherington, who led the team, “is how to deal with street charity collectors or, as they’re more popularly known; ‘those f**king cretinous pricks with stupid hair and a clipboard’.”
He revealed that the review had explored several options including giving them Chinese burns, kicking them squarely in the balls, or punching them right on their BCGs.
“Ultimately, the review felt that the only apt way to deal with the scourge of street charity collectors would be to gun them down in cold blood.”
Some have suggested that the measures went against all principles of justice in a civilised country.
“Yes, that’s a fair criticism and I was certainly troubled by exactly that,” said Mr Etherington.
“But then I was reminded of a particularly witless charity gibbon called Jez who called me ‘bruv’ and tried to high-five me, and I realised it would be worth giving up a long tradition of fairness and justice if it meant getting rid of the likes of him.”