Public toilets are to require biometric authentication following a slew of incidents relating to “orphaned faeces”.
The decision was made after the Minister for Health walked into a stall and found what looked like a baby’s arm staring back at him.
“This has been a long time coming,” confirmed government spokesperson, Tom Wright.
“These people aren’t so much taking the piss as leaving a shit for the next person to endure.”
“We’ve tried putting up passive-aggressive notes pointing towards the flush handle, we’ve tried leaving hints such as toilet brushes and air-freshening sprays, but to no avail.”
“Henceforth, we will take your thumbprint, and if we find out THAT belongs to you, we’re going to hunt you down with dogs, and once they’ve caught you, they’ll shit on you.”
“I can’t tell you how disgusting the training process has been to get them to that point, but it’s worth it.”
Decent human beings welcomed the move.
“Disgraceful,” said Simon Williams, a disgusting human being.
“I need an outlet to express myself, and bearing in mind I can’t paint, write, draw or sing, what do I have left but the toilet?”
“That is my canvas, and my bottom is my paintbrush.”