Summer officially over as first Goth of winter spotted

author avatar by 8 years ago

The sighting of the first goth of winter means summer is over, the Met Office confirmed today.

The goth, wearing a long black velvet cloak and an expression of wistful mourning, was seen reading a book on the Romantic Poets in a Wakefield coffee shop yesterday.

Goths normally spend the summer hibernating in Patchouli-scented coffins before emerging as the nights draw in and the weather gets worse, according to the old country saying;

“Black sky at night, gothics delight,
Blue sky in the morning, how would they know.”

Older readers might remember that children’s programme Blue Peter kept a goth for several years during the 1980s, when it would share a hibernation box in the Blue Peter garden shed with George the tortoise.

The BBC has announced Chris Packham as presenter of Gothwatch, an up-close nightly series watching goths as they emerge blinking from their slumber and head out hunting for cider and black.

“It was a wonderful experience presenting Gothwatch last year,” he told us.

“One newly fledged goth wanted to go out because it was raining and blowing, but she couldn’t go out as her roots were showing. Our viewers loved watching the dilemma.”

“This year we hope to capture their mating call of ‘Stompy Boots, Stompy Boooots!” On camera for the first time”, he added.

In summer, a goths’ heart rate can slow to as little as one beat per minute as they hibernate, and in winter a goths’ heart rate can slow to as little as one beat per minute as they take Ketamine.

Members of the public are advised that despite their appearance goths are both harmless and affectionate, a bit like slightly rubbish cats.