British Airways captain apologises for causing such a fuss

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The captain of British Airways flight 2276 has apologised to the ground staff of a Las Vegas airport for being a nuisance.

The Boeing 777 suffered a serious engine fire during an attempted take-off, leading to a terrifying emergency evacuation of the passengers, but not so terrifying that some of the morons didn’t stop to collect their hand-luggage,

However, Captain Chris Henkey called “Speedbird Mayday Mayday. Speedbird 2276 request fire services” over his radio in a voice so clam that he might as well have been James fucking Bond ordering a drink, before adding “sorry to be such a bother, everyone.”

“I know it’s getting on for five o’clock and some of you will want to get a start on the traffic; rest assured I feel bloody awful about all this, and I’d like to buy each one of you a drink just as soon as we’re done here.”

“Oh and if someone could give my wife a call and let her know that there’s nothing to worry about, that would be smashing.”

“Actually don’t trouble yourselves further, she’ll only worry, poor thing.”

The crew also ensured that all of the passengers were queued up in an orderly fashion, before letting them run from the plane like piss down a lamp post.

“Thank God for Captain Henkey and his balls of solid rock” said Air Steward, Trevor Newland.

“I would have seriously lost the plot if not for him.”

“Still, nothing a cup of tea won’t fix.”